Letting go is one of the hardest things one must do. Everyone you talk to will tell you that you need to let go for your own sanity and well-being. More for you than for the perpetrator. The thing is easier said than done.
I have been struggling with letting go of something that still hurts me up until now. My father hurt me. He was never there in my life and never cared about me. I know I have the best mother that anyone could ever ask for but this didn’t take away the void, neglect and sadness that I felt for not having my father in my life.
It was never about the money. My mother provided everything that I ever wanted and she took me to what I believe were the best schools in the country. So I can’t really complain about that. All I wanted was for him to show a little care and concern for his daughter. Just small things that would make me happy.
A simple phone call to find out how I was doing, care enough for the things I like or dislike, the schools I attended, what my school life was like. Just for him to show some interest in his daughter. I don’t think this was too much to expect or ask for of a father.
What hurts most is how he brags to his friends and colleagues about his very beautiful and smart daughter yet he doesn’t know me or who I have become. Growing up without him in my life hurt more than I would like to admit. Even though I try hard not to think about it or bottle up these feelings, I do think about it every once in a while. It is really unavoidable.
The times my friends talked about or talk about what their fathers’ did or do for them, or the quality time they spend with them. It stings and I have to stop tears from rolling down my cheeks. This is something I have learnt to do.
Honestly, I know the right thing to do and even the Christian thing to do is for me to forgive him and let go of all this pain. I know it’s for the best that I let go of these feelings. But I really don’t know if I will ever forgive him unless he actually made an effort to be in my life. I believe it’s not too late, we can still work on our relationship. He can still be the father he never was. I still yarn for his presence in my life to fill this void.